Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Criers are my kryptonite

Allow me to set the stage:

I come home from work and the fucking toilet is clogged up with toilet paper and the contents of a bowel movement. After my sister returns home and tries to fix it, she heads over to my room and tells me that, yes, the toilet is indeed clogged and will be out of commission.

So I asked her whether she took a dump and stuffed all that paper down there. She hesitated: "No, it wasn't me."

I saw an extra mattress in her room. "Did one of your friends take a dump and clog up the toilet?" I asked.

"Maybe," she shrugged.

"Well then," I said, "where's your friend to clean it up?"

"I dunno, but you're being rude."

Wait, I'm rude? Did I roll up baby Jesus and try to force him down the toilet before walking away? Nuh uh, I did not.

What's RUDE is hoping the next person deals with your mess (and potentially flooding the entire bathroom) by mopping up bits of your banana cream pie from last night because you thought you could whistle your way out of trouble.

What's STUPID is pretending you didn't know who took the epic shit and taking offence on your "friend's" behalf! I have a friend, too. Her name is Miss Lyingouttaherass. Every time you give her a penny, she says you owe three more!

I was on the phone with my friend: "Why am I always the bad guy?"

Story of my life.

Three weeks ago, I calmly told my fat ass roommate that she'd been flouting house rules for months and I had proof that she'd been doing so behind my back with the belief that she wouldn't be caught. She started crying and crying and still didn't apologize.

Bitch said I was MEAN. Why? I said her hygiene wasn't up to snuff because mould was growing in her personal bathroom and she'd never picked up her loose hairs from the floor. This ain't no third world beauty parlour! Your rent doesn't include maid service!

I also hate it when people cry when I confront them. Am I supposed to comfort you now? The asshole who started slamming cupboards at midnight and told me she didn't care about my "beauty sleep"? I got two words for you: See ya! (*sidenote: 6 more days before her lease expires. Victory.)

Anyway, even with that rant, I still believe I have a drama-less life. I resolve problems after one encounter and those who aren't comfortable with the subsequent quietude stay away from me. (I shut my mouth to restrict their ammo.) My sister says though she loves me, I can come off too intimidating (especially her because she's a heart-on-her-sleeve type o' gal). She says it's the way I inject office parlance even in private matters. (I once broke up with a guy by telling him that it was "unfortunate that we were incompatible," but I wished him "all the best in finding a more suitable partner with more in common.")

I explain myself this way: Honesty hurts so that the sting of embarrassment will remind you not to fuck up next time. I've taken hits to the face and haven't looked back.

Or as Judge Judy likes to put it: Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining.

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