Saturday, March 11, 2006

Tweezer

Math Judas came back from a birthday party held in the honour of a classmate from high school. She was with her other girly friends. Oh, they giggled and laughed, eating TGIF Italian. But something wasn't right this time, he observed. There was something off about the whole thing. Then it hit him:

Them bitches got fat. Funhouse fat.

Should I feel bad that I've kept fit like a member of the East German swim team and karma came to bite them in the ass like a vicious donut dog equipped with inhalable Reese's vapor?

Can't say I am. This eats the cake.

***

Techbiana's roommate asked her when she was going to bring over her "cute Asian friend" again. His name? Don't quite remember. He's an artist, a painter. I can't even picture what he looks like, but she clarified it wasn't the one who looked Filipino-but-is-really-from-Afghanistan. This happens to me more frequently than getting asked out, point-blank. (40yr+ alert!) I seem to send out the message that interested individuals should play it so cool around me that their greenlight vibes freeze into serrated icicles that go unnoticed. Yes, it's likely I will reject them, but that's only because I don't hook-up with practical strangers (anymore). It's no fun for me, it never was. And though many people adhere to being a challenge, I find that manipulative. The second formulation of Kant's categorical imperative states that we should treat people as an end in themselves and not merely a means. This does not rule out all cases of using someone to satisfy our own needs. But it does rule out any action which treats people in such a way that they do not have the opportunity to consent to what we have set out to do. We can't realistically believe we can coerce people into staying with us forever because we drive them insane with our aloofness. It might work for awhile, but it's immoral. Results do not excuse bad behaviour.

I wouldn't be able to keep my conscience clear.

So I don't do it at all and am given the sympathetic shoulder pat in return: "You'll find him. He's out there." People don't seem to understand that's not the point. I want to be valued, I want to know my qualities are genuinely respected, I want to know everyone's at the party voluntarily. What I don't want is for "the sake of it" to enter my vocabulary. It shouldn't be in anyone's, but it is. Yet I'm the one being pitied: "Poor Lily, self-righteousness never got anyone anywhere."

Don't I know it.

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