Monday, March 06, 2006

The Jon Stewart Show

"It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" just won for Best Original Song. The Oscars just became the VIBE awards. Next thing you know, Dolly Parton's getting knifed in the parking lot and Michael Moore starts a public feud with Elia Kazan until somebody from the audience informs him the guy's been dead for years, in which case, he backtracks and takes out a sign that says, "Free Tookie", prompting Jamie Foxx to show him the door with his arms waving in the air because he simply does not care.

Now Zhang Ziyi's up as a presenter. For the love of Ang Lee, why? They know the only attractive quality about her is the way she reads English like a glassy-eyed Wah Wah Doll with a penchant for princessy gowns as imagined by a 6-year-old with dreams of escaping an alcoholic mother. "Aw, how cute is that?" everyone seems to coo out of sympathy. "She read another dude's name wrong."

Congratulations to Philip Seymour Hoffman for Best Actor. (He has got to do something with that hair.) The win is all the more noteworthy because for the first time in years, all the nominees are of equal calibre (though the movies they played in are suspect).

And the winner for Best Actress goes to ... Reese Witherspoon. Like I've said before, Type A people rule the world. Her marriage will not get any easier now that her salary has jumped another 8 unhealthy figures.

Holy mother of all that embodies Hollywood's dumbed down brand of liberalism, Crash beat out everyone to win Best Picture. The message is: "Hey, hey, aren't we open-minded?" The truth is, cha ... no. To weave a story that merges every stereotypical prejudice into a product that tries to sell itself as a representative work about tolerance is as manipulative as anything hardcore right-wingers are capable of churning out. Instead of using the opportunity to discover the subtle ways -isms make their way into our naturalized behaviours, it makes a point of giving each character just enough screen time to show diametrically opposing traits so they can be labelled "complex" and "three-dimensional". What a bunch of hooey! Progressivists might be the new elite, but they're not much better than those they've usurped from society's new meritocratic throne. (Or frankly, I am just a snob who likes to condescend bourgeois values and their excessively accessible brand of intellectualism. And was rooting for Capote.)

Anyone acquainted with me - or reads my blog - knows I love the movies like dogs love sniffing ass, but the Oscars have failed to be inspiring for years. They're so fabricated, so falsely glam, they make the French Cesars look like a Steve Allen comedy sketch. And last night's performance did not disappoint; it was just as boring as the rest. Jon Stewart was a terrific host, but even he had to keep mining the Three 6 Mafia musical number for jokes. Maybe if the celebrities in attendance acted more like the self-promoting opportunists they really are, there would be more shouting, exposed mammaries, and overturned chairs to qualify for a new nominated category. And if daytime talk shows have taught me anything, it's that overturned chairs always mean business.

***

Why'd they gotta go and get up all in Grey's Anatomy's timeslot? One more reason to hate the Oscars.

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