Friday, February 17, 2006

My guilty pleasure beyond Kylie Minogue

Why do you think the Americans seem to sweep the medals in snowboarding, David Letterman asked Hannah Teter last night. The 19-year-old shredder answered that it must be because of the strong support system.

Hmm ... or maybe it's because the Winter Olympigs are almost exclusively made up of rich northern nations. The Republic of Congo don't got no snow. Ditto Sri Lanka. And Colombia only makes the kind you trade newborns for.

It's a real damn shame I can't bother to walk the distance from my bed to the TV to change the channel.

"You know what would be really cute?" one commentator asked. "His and Her gold medals."

Hold my hair back while I contribute to the porcelein fund.

Though try as I might, I can't keep my eyes off pretty white people compete in gravity-driven machinations. I look forward to seeing athletes blend into their surroundings once every four years. It's the only thing that keeps me occupied during ... Okay, I'm addicted. The trashy ice dancing outfits that make the Americans look like Scarlett O'Hara with small pox and the ex-Soviets like trannies-in-a-can, I love it. Love it, love it, love it. The slutty Ukrainians especially. These kids make the Russians look tasteful with their winged gloves and sequinned collars. Ooh, can't forget the Bulgarians. The lady had a bigger Adam's apple than her partner, while her partner had the same stringy bleach job. Mmmm, that's some Eastern European class. Only they will try to pull off lip liner a full five shades darker than their lips.

And the Lindsey Jacobellis race. I was shocked -- SHOCKED! -- enough to tear my eyes away from the computer to watch her fall tweaking a method. NBC shamed her like a 'chocolate city' remark. They accused her of showboating, hubris, blah blah blah. Get over it, there are drug-addled celebrities to cover. It's not like she lost the war on terrorism or pelleted a friend hunting quail. She's a 20-year-old who got caught up in the moment and missed the gold. Boo-fucking-hoo. Silver ain't too shabby. Go back to calling Bode Miller a drunk.

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