Thursday, November 17, 2005

Idleness hatches chaos

Suddenly, being a "cool mom" doesn't look too good no mo'.

***

My life is so boooo-ring, yet anxiety-ridden. I'm going to take advantage of the free counselling service provided by my university and spill my heart out to a shrink. Mind numbing pills, damnit. I'm not even an aspirin taker, but Priscilla Beaulieu Presley! I want something with an active ingredient illegal in 43 countries and pending in another 8.

The causes have been identified; the solutions, spelled out -- I've dissected myself to fois gras and still I smell of gasoline ripe for ignition (mmm ... fumigated fried liver). It's hard to take steps in changing when every path leads to another paradoxical personality roadblock. Professional upper, secret downer, I'm not lamenting for myself, merely perplexed with the situation. It's like this: You see an exit and walk towards it, but realize it only accommodates people with floating torsos and shrunken heads, 401k plans and minivans. So I wholly intend on taking everyone's advice (because everyone seems to know what to do) but I'm hindering -- no, make that sabotaging -- my own progress because being "fixed" relies on getting over a fear I'm not yet ready to confront (nor give up, to be honest).

My parents are encouraging me to play the field. "Why you so serious?" they want to know. "You're young. Have fun and fool around!"

But ma~ ... I don't wannnnnnnna ...!

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