Monday, July 25, 2005

Memoirs of an Opium Queen: Chapter Six

Chapter Six: Improving Television on the Space Above the Lip

Sadly, I believe that I have offended our dear Lily, and betrayed her original vision of this here mix up. Apparently, I am not supposed to just be a Ctrl-C, Ctrl-V monkey, and actually write my own posts (unbelievable, eh?). In that spirit, I have the need to inform you all of Atom & His Package.

This is Atom:

This is the Package:

Together, Atom & His Package make wonderful records (well, used to, sadly, they are no more), and all of you should download at least one of the following:
- If you own the Washington Redskins you're a cock
- I am downright amazed at what I can destroy with just a hammer
- What we do on Christmas
- Possession

(*not all songs have long and completely goofy names, but they are all good, so I definitely suggest downloading or purchasing many Atom & his Package recordings)

"Why are you subjecting us, Lily's faithful readers, to the promotion of a mediocre, if not completely horrible, 'band' consisting of a man and his synthesizer/sequencer?"

Simple, one of Atom's songs in particular, Moustache T.V., has given me a wonderful idea for a drinking game. To give you some background, the aformentioned song is about a friend of Atom's idea to cheer him up: grab some Scotch tape and a Sharpie, draw a moustache on the tape, stick it on the television, sit back, and be prepared to enjoy a whole new level of entertainment!

Now, my completely awesome idea for a drinking game:
1. Each participant grabs a length of Scotch tape and a Sharpie and makes a moustache.
2. Strategically apply your moustache to the television.
3. Each time your moustache lines up with someone's upper lip, everyone else must take a shot.

I am completely aware that there may be many flaws in this game, but I believe it to be the wickedest drinking game I've invented in the history of drinking games invented by me.

You may also want to Google the Saved by the Bell drinking game for further fun!

Wow, that was fun... I blogged! Hopefully I don't get fired for post-length issues.


Okay, on to Lily.

As I mentioned at the end of my previous post (pre-and-post-strike-outs), Lily has experienced some rather wonderful encounters with transexuals over her last few days in only-three-seasons Thailand. Her mother even has photos to prove it! Unfortunately they were taken with, what I believe used to be called "film," though I'm not quite sure what that is. Apparently you have to wait to get it developed or something.

When not frequenting the transgender stripclubs and fruitful opium dens, Thailand also has an assortment of water fun! From pretend-you're-an-Eskimo-in-the-fake-snow amusement parks, to parasailing, skidooing and various other marine-activities, she's actually been able to tear herself away from her lovely little colour iPod.

Fortunately, 'Tyrannosaurus Hives' provides a muchos awesome soundtrack to train rides and what not. Don't even pretend that you can control your muscles when you pop on 'Antidote.' Everything sways to the beat of 'Abra Cadaver.'

I know there must have been more things that she told me, but I'm not particularly good at remembering things. I'll check my MSN history before my next post. Enjoy Atom, and everyone must try my drinking game, and proclaim its awesomeness.

-Steve, guest blogger

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