Sunday, May 01, 2005

Fruit Flavoured

I've been flirting with dysfunction ever since moving away from home. Seeing my hometown girls has once again reminded me that solid friendships aren't forged through confusion and anxiety. Loving someone is the equivalent of static on the radio: the crackle is so ubiquitous it is no longer perceivable.

Montreal still needs some getting used to.

Fraught with worry, struggling to blot out the expression of dumbfoundedness hovering over my face, I mistake distress for delight, red for pearly-white.

***

I have been really productive these last two days. I created a formula that catered to Sexy Spinster's personality to help her break the ice with men she found attractive. I simplified a typical conversation into its parts and taught her, step-by-step, how to utilise it in any situation without relying entirely on her non-existent improvisational skills.

"An anecdote?" she yelled into the steering wheel. "But of course! That might actually work!"

***

Went shopping in Toronto with Math Judas and acted as his fashion consultant. I asked him what sort of a look he was going for and used that as the jump off point. Gave him the dos and don'ts of fashion for his height (6"4') and skin tone (pale). We picked out a pair of dark denims at Banana Republic ("Distress them with a cheese grater"); multi-violet-toned checkered shirt with contrasting pink and white reversible cuffs at Club Monaco; a pair of leather thong sandals and slip-on loafers from Aldo, and a milk chocolate-coloured belt with stainless steel square buckle from Eddie Bauer.

He looked so put together, I was extremely pleased with the results. Math Judas immediately told me how impressed his parents were when he showed them his loot:

"My mom thought I looked older."

"And the shoes? The belt?"

"Yes, yes. Give yourself a pat on the back."

I forgot how much I enjoy - no, love - shopping for people (and it's not only because I like to assist in the personal funneling of funds). The challenge to combine style and versatility with budget and individuality is my favourite way to alleviate unwanted stress and unwind. I get a kick knowing I've contributed to someone's momentary happiness when I pick out something they confidently pose and preen in. I hear them commenting how good they look and despite giggling over brightly lit reflections of themselves in front of gilded mirrors, it is not unusual to catch them standing there a while longer, drinking in their new image with pride. That instant boost of serotonin makes watching Queer Eye worth every download. Actually, I remember helping a few acquaintances put together their ensembles for prom and graduation everytime I took a trip down Consumerism Lane.

Lightbulb! Wouldn't it be great to be a personal shopper?!

***

Shotgun Toter and I did nothing and had a blast doing it:

"You'd have sex with who? Him? Mr. Mammogram Nose?"

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