Monday, February 21, 2005

Good Will Hunter S. Thompson Likes Them Apples

Readerdroid and I moaned and groaned on the phone about the state of our lives for three hours last night. It was a bit ironic that our roles were reversed: She was the one who got to crazy it up at Harvard this weekend (but was quick to add how "boring" Boston was) with Americans who didn't know how to have a good time and were God-fearing sticklers when it came to preserving an "alcohol-free environment" while I ended up being the friend who listened intently and doled out advice upon request. We agreed to help each other chase the blues away by going shopping in the morning (can you think of a better plan?) before she was to board her Toronto-bound train at noon.

We went to Les Ailes where she wanted me to smell Light Blue by Dolce & Gabbana. Readerdroid had her heart set on purchasing it. Very nice and refreshing perfume pumped with complex notes. I love it, but it's not for this time of year. I bought a purse at DKNY. 30% off. I couldn't resist. I found it just lying there, eager for an owner, waiting for someone to take it home. Someone like me. We were standing at the check-out counter when I suggested that she try DKNY's Be Delicious instead. It has a younger scent rooted in Granny Smith apples. She apparently agreed with me because she left the store, uh, not empty-handed. (Yes, I realize that was a slew of sentences caked in pretentious name-droppage. Bite me, hippie.)


My lover, my friend, my dependable spring fling.


***

I've decided to do my radio public service announcement on vampires. It's going to begin with traffic noises taken from an urban ghetto with a thumping bass line that sets off the squeaky hydraulics from a Lincoln town car. Then an old lady starts bragging in Ebonics that if she can outrun the cops between visiting her "baby's mama" and hiding "da special stash," she "fo' shizzle" can take on them blood-suckers. Then she screams and collapses. Her heart is ripped from her chest (yes, I have the sound effect for this) and then subsequently sucked dry (I have that, too). I do a voice-over along the lines of: "There is no disguising from vampires. Over three million Canadians die everyday from vampire attacks. Protect yourself: Buy firearms. Call 1-800-PRO-GUNS or visit our website at: www.welovecharltonheston.org." Cue hiccup followed by a single, fired shot.

My original idea was on the dangers of tacos, but I somehow offended the teacher by unintentionally coming off ageist. Oh well, choking is overrated anyway.

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