Friday, January 14, 2005

iRonic

Personalized jewellery just reached a new low. iPendant, a division of Genetrack Biolabs Inc., collects samples of DNA to fashion into necklaces. Can you imagine the thought of trend-addicted dolts hamming it up at an El Taco Rio, dangling the building blocks of life between a glittery cleavage that smells of patchouli oil and assorted car emissions? The marketing strategy behind this isn't new; it's another guy in full Murdoch mode riding on the coattails of the latest, individuality-seeking, fad.

Did I mention these "glass amulets" come in 6 pre-determined personality shades? Green is "Naughty"; yellow is "Sunshine"; black means you're an "Enigma." A bauble from Chanel can at least differentiate the wearer from the menial-labour class, but this Jolie-ripoff looks like something Sears might promote alongside artificial tanner for their "St. Tropez in Milwaukee" campaign.

The idea is just so ... tacky. It's similar to wearing a lucky rabbit's foot that actually belonged to Fatty who, your Italian grandmother insists, unlocked its own cage and jumped into the oven while you were out peeping dime shows. And unlike the MedicAlert bracelet, it's not even useful:

"Help, help! I've been hit by a bus!"

"Give me a second while I check for Alzheimer's."

***

No one cleans up after you when you live alone. I've been dabbling in housework all day and I'm currently torn between doing French homework and ... doing French homework with the accompaniment of music. I can't decide! I can't decide! *insert Nazi soldier taking my child away*

***

Cuisiniere's British buddy broke up with his Quebecois girlfriend. Now he wants to date me.

"He's interested, so how 'bout it?" asked J.Lass.

"No." End of conversation.

Who am I? Princess Plan-B? Is it just a coincedence I'm on perpetual stand-by for emotionally unavailable/unstable/retardant men?

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