Friday, June 04, 2004

"By the way Lily, your painting wasn't picked for the exhibition."

I asked whose art did make it.

Oh, five other students, you say? And one was picked twice? I thought only three per school? Oh, supposed to but didn't? I see ...

The initial reason my peers gave me was that my art, titled "Troubles in South America," was too controversial for public digestion.

"I'm surprised you didn't get picked," my art teacher added.

Thanks, add salt to the coagulating wound.

"I'll go and ask the art committee during the meeting wrap-up what the criteria was, next week. It might've just been that they had too many paintings. Don't take it personally. That's what happens in the real world of jury exhibitions."

Except imagine above excerpt in smug, nasal-induced, patronizing tone.

"What's the point of asking? I either got in or I didn't. And I didn't," I said.

Video Maven: "That's a funny way of looking at it. Imagine if the judges were all Hispanic?"

I'm depressed. I'm low. I feel like a big baby for caring as much as I do. I was so sure it would make it. So sure. Then I find out girls who submitted pencil drawings that tried for realism (but failed miserably) made it, but I didn't.

"Go to the exhibition anyways, dissing the other artwork might make you feel better."

"No, I'll just feel even more resentful and ask myself, 'Why's this piece of shit doing on the wall?'"

I do feel a tinge of jealousy. My friends tried to comfort me.

"Lily, we all liked it. It was different. Who knows why they didn't pick it. You're controversial, controversy is good. I know good art and that was good art. It wasn't on a high school level."

"But if I tell people, 'I didn't get in because mine was better," the likely response would be, 'Bullshit, you just suck hardcore you talentless Asian cracker.'"

But I can't help but take it personally. It's like they rejected not my art, but a piece of me (to over use a cliche).

The Gorilla even tried to comfort me, and he hates me (well, to clarify, my hugs have tamed this beast into a gentle, non-Lily-hating, 6ft tall, gnome).

"Yeah, you can't say anything in school. They encourage variety, but you're constantly being monitored and censored." (*edited for eloquence.)

"I'm so sick of fighting 'them'. I don't even know what's controversial to this prudish society. I mean, if they want controversy, I can give it to them. I'll actually prepare an agenda with the sole intent of stirring shit up. My next project: Naked woman getting raped with machine gun. Eat that, assholes."

"Besides," I added. "I can always file for racial discrimination."

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