Saturday, May 22, 2004

Might I say, "Troy" is the worst movie I've voluntarily gone to see? Worst almost 9 dollars I've ever spent. I give it 1 star out of ... 18 ... hundred.

Every single action movie cliche was in it; I wanted to kick the screen in! The director made Das Boot in the '80s, but he churns out this garbage?!

Shotgun Toter invited me to come see it, along with Math Jesus and a classmate from my English Literature class. The bus was supposed to take me straight there but the driver, instead, parks it at the mall, telling the heartbroken passengers that he's heading home 'cause the bus stops running at 7. So I had to walk more than four city block ... in heels ... in a skirt ... in the wind ... to get there. Needless to say, I missed half an hour of the movie. But as soon as I sat down, I knew I would be in there for some grade F dialogue and a grade F plot. When Brad Pitt attempts a British accent and says, "Take it! It's yours!", you know there'll be nothing good worth mentioning. In addition to the bad movie, I had to hear these chattering girls in front of me, jumping from seat to seat, whispering meaningless shit to each other, covering their eyes with their peroxided hair during the grisly parts. Have they no social etiquette? I must add that I didn't sit with my friends since I was late. Anway. They giggled during the part where you see a bit of Brad Pitt's crack. HAHAHA, hilarious (I've seen better.) Afterwards, when the two old men (I can't tell them apart; every man had curly hair or a beard, or curly hair and a beard) were having a faux-heartfelt conversation, and they giggled, I said, "What's so goddamn funny?" That shut their yaps ... for about 5 minutes.

Near the end (and by "near," I mean, an hour before this craptastic movie would roll the credits), I said, "Stuff your face with a pie and shut up."

"Who said that? Oh my God, was it her? Her? Wait, her?"

Heh heh. Fuckers. No one under 16 should be able to attend 14A movies.

Shotgun Toter told me that Math Jesus asked if that was me when I made the first comment. But after I made the pie comment, Shotgun Toter confirmed, "Yeah, that's her." Hey, it's a smart way to make your presence known in the theatre if you lose your friends and want them to know you made it (she and I have pie-related in-jokes.)

Afterwards, we sat in Burger King. The English Lit. classmate said, "You know, the Little Mermaid wearing those clams? It's just not practical."

Me: "Yeah, think of the chafing. Actually, no. It's very practical. She can pull them off and dig in the mud for food. And with the bra strap, she can rip them from the clam shells, and use it to strangle fish with her bare hands! She'll be like Tarzan of the water: Matted, unkempt hair, smutty torso, torn fins, unsightly scales populated by scars from wrestling wild underwater beasts."

Shotgun Toter: "I can't stop laughing, but it's not even that funny!"

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