Monday, March 08, 2004

Went out with Bible Cop, Christian Scrawnwich and the German last night. Hung out at 'Wich's house. It sure was mighty cozy in his basement, with the 19th-century stove (named Napoleon, if you were wondering) burning wood in its belly, drying German's shoes through its glass bust (or "door", if you must.)

Interesting things were mentioned and discussed, but I didn't know what concerned me more. The conversations that were taking place or the hand/eye gestures Bible Cop was making to me while I was talking. Tap, tap, tap, went her index fingers. Dart, dart, dart, when her pupils between subjects. It was all so ... complicated, most of all, for me since the other two didn't catch her overtly risky game of pantomime.

I think my strength and weakness is the ability to sound absolutely (and intentionally) oblivious when I talk to someone, knowing full well the possible outcome of my verbalisations. It's a game of wits, pushing the stack of bluffs into the open arena. Can I be entirely honest without sounding like I am? Can I lie while sounding entirely honest? Can modesty stay intact when vulnerability refuses to be your ally? And most importantly, can I disguise my personal intrigues as empirical data, situated firmly in the realm of scientific curiosity?

I guess it's difficult to say, but sometimes I think I am either too blunt or too logical because people expect this behaviour from me. Which, ironically, provides a sense of social superiority, while fanning private grievances.

In laymen's terms: I'm, like, totally immature sometimes. Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

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