Saturday, February 28, 2004

I went to go watch "The Passion" with the German and Math Judas (oh, how fitting.) I really didn't see what the big deal was. What controversy? It was a 2 hour gorefest. There was absolutely no plot, just watching "Jesus of Nazareth" getting whipped, tortured, whipped, skinned, whipped, and crucified.

Simon says to Jesus something like, "Don't worry, you're almost there," like there was a prize at the end of his walk. He's getting nailed to a cross, send in the streamers.

And speaking of the cross, I think it's a well-known fact that he didn't get nailed in the palm. Scientifically speaking, you can't hold up your body weight that way. The wrists are where it's at. Technically speaking, Jesus would have died from carbon dioxide poisoning, and not from his wounds. His lungs would not have had enough strength to breathe it out due to his wounds. And historically speaking, the movie translated 40 flagellations into 20 minutes worth; equating to approximately quadruple that. He was a salmon fillet cross-hatched for perfect grilling the entire length of the movie. I didn't feel any sympathy for him. I've already complained about Jim Caviezel's lack of skills in acting, and this movie furthers my proof. Every leader must have charisma. Mel Gibson just assumed all audience members will sympathize with his lead character because he's the "Messiah", the "Christ." No character development, no docu-style representation, and at the end, a pointless showing of a crow gouging the eyes out of Jesus's fellow nailed-to-a-2x4 buddy. Oh, and the demon children ... way too many demon children. "You cursed, you cursed! And now you are cursed!" No wonder Mr. Gibson decided to use Aramaic and Latin (hokey gimmick). The English screenplay must've sucked hardcore.

Not to mention Pontius Pilate, the Roman governor, was presented as a conflicted man. He wasn't. He was guilty of Jesus's death as much as the Jewish high priest.

And why was Monica Bellucci in the movie if she wasn't going to get naked and have sex with Christ? Why? She cries for 2 hours. Why did they hire an actress with fewer facial expressions than a crustacean? She's hot, so why no sex with 'HEY-zoos'?

But above all else, it was boring. It was a boring film. The only time "humanity" existed came when there was a flashback of Jesus making a table and (get this) invented the chair! Yes, Jesus of Nazareth invented that object you park your behind on. Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle ... if that was the lamest attempt at humour I've ever seen.

THE END

It was really fun last night because the jokes just kept coming. And the German didn't buy a ticket. His "ticket" was his failed transaction record. Hehe, deported for Christ. The irony, the irony!

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