Monday, September 29, 2003

Why do people feel the need to Pharrell-ify themselves and start wearing trucker hats (also known as the farmer hat in some circles)? I may not have the answers. But I will go and ask my other personalities what their thoughts are on this spreading-like-wildfire ϋber-trend.

Angry:
I hate motherfuckers who wear those fuckin' trucker hats. Especially when they turn it to the side. So it's okay for the sun to burn your fookatron face off, but not your left ear.

Empathic:
But Angry, at least this trend isn't as crass as the boob trend ...

Black Mama:
... that never ended? You know girlfriend. You need to wake up and smell the Jemima. Everyone wants to look like they be at the Justin Timberlake shoot, robbin' the variety store he was sexually harrassing that poor girl at. Playing it off as, what kids now call, "flirtin'." Back when I was jammin' to James Brown, we would've called it "Mmmhmmm, fast girls gon' get raped" and you would've been shot in the head ... sans the redneck monkey lid.

Feminist:
What. Ev. Er. The only reason girls are wearing those god-awful things is because this patriarchal society wants us to assimilate deeper and deeper into this male-dominated culture.

Wigger:
I'd like to get deeper and deeper into your culture.

Metrosexual:
Okay. So maybe this isn't the best trend to come around. But hello! Men are now able to freely accessorize without feeling like they've been Queer-Eyed. Although mesh and polyester go together like sodomy and cactus, I'd do a guy who looks like he skates, but really attends Oxford on a Rhodes Scholarship. Besides, I prefer this over plaid-mania and male-polish anyday.

All:
Agreed.

Always-Refusing-To Accept-What-The-Group-Thinks-Because-She-Never-Gets-Enough-Attention-At-Home Girl:
But ... [*stab*]

*Inspirational John Williams-conducted music score crescendos as people slow-clap in a magical movie-inspired moment*

So there you have it. The Trucker Hat vs. As-many-stereotypes-Lily-can-think-of-while-drowsy discussion has indeed caused an uproar in the community ... in my head. But I personally find the trend sexy ... as long as the colours don't clash ... and worn by men ... who don't do weed. So trust me when I say John Deere-green and toucan-red don't go together. Christmas only comes once a year for a reason. And also orange and yellow. Unless you're auditioning for a Fruitopia commercial (you know the ones where the fruits have limbs and gather at a retirement center ... or like ... do rowdy things to each other ... such as slappin' ass, makin' out and putting themselves through hypothetical bending-over-for-the-soap-type scenerios? Oh bojangles, I gotta cut down on the Ho-Hos. They're making me halluci ... wheeeeee, I'm a washed-up movie star running for governor!)

No comments: