Wednesday, September 17, 2003

Nelly is now preparing for the launch of his new energy drink, Pimp Juice. Which doesn't concern me. I mean, he's merely endorsing a fruit cocktail with additional vitamins and minerals for the pimp in all of us. So what is it that's so attractive about this new-pimpin'-trend?

STYLE:

The last time I saw this much leather on a grown man was on FOX: When Animals Attack ... or in that cross-dressing movie, "To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything. Julie Newmar."

Watching men sparkle more than ghetto-licious club goers scare me. I mean, are they proud of the fact that they look like the remnants of Liberace, if he had been splattered generously with oil paints, then set on fire? Or maybe, it's the "walk" that scares me. I mean, strutting hen-peckin'-style is one thing. But imitating amputees from the Vietnam War? Now, that's going too damn far. It's that nobby walk, that can only be described as either missing a stiletto heel on one foot or ... missing one of your ankles.

ACCESSORIES:

So MTV's Kurt Loder has confirmed that those really impractical things pimps carry around in their hands (what? no slave bitches to carry it for them?) are indeed called "Pimp Chalices" rather than "Goblets." What's next? Pimps who think Tinkerbell is a fine pussy? Or Snow White be a good investment, since she already mackin' it with 7 undesirables (aka, the big spenders). I can see why they would wear those top hats though (made from used 70s porn rugs). It's practical, when you need to hide a family of midgets or guerilla hostages.

LIFESTYLE:

Now I'm not an out-to-take-over-the-whole-world feminist. But to me, personally, it is absolutely degrading to be led on a leash and be used as a human accessory (unless juice is served afterwards). I want to know when whoring underage girls while providing every level of abuse became the "hip" thing. An entire pimp culture is now bum rushing into the mainstream.

Haha, dressing up like a pimp is hilarious! Man, I love it when ebonics has become as indecipherable as pig-latin. Oh boy, I piss my pants laughing when Disco Santa Pimp says original stuff like, "Ho, ho, ho" every freakin' Christmas. I hope child molesters and drug dealers become the next inspirational celebrities ... especially when they get invited to your family's next turkey curry buffet as honoured guests: "A fun filled day of crack smoking and inappropriate child groping! See you there!"

Save grandma's polyester print couch. Just say no to PIMP.

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