Monday, September 22, 2003

I think there are a few pros to being morbidly obese. The most obvious is the furniture dilemma. Why pay for it if you can get your guests to sit on you, rather than that fouton you've had since the summer of '82? It's a more intimate way to get to know your friends ... or those hookers you picked up from Delaware.

Another pro is the absence of doors. I mean, fat people have to make like putt-putt and aim for a tiny hole in the wall just to get around their house. So I say, remove the doors then smash down the walls. That way, they can travel around their house in style on a Costco trolley. Thin people would get a kick out of not having to get up and use their legs, just like fat people (a bonding experience, if you will). And mothers will never have to call up the services of Mr. Crane ever again ... until the day they want to get their fatass out of the house (gas builds up over time ...).

This here may be a trick question. Would a fast food joint want a fat man representing their company? It makes sense at first, because it shows how good rubber boots and racoon pelvises can taste in a burger; enough to cheerfully fatten up this man here. But it also portrays fast food under a negative light. However, with my ideas above, is being morbidly obese still as unattractive to the general public as it is now? Whichever the case, if The Jimmy Dean Breakfast Sausage Company eventually decides to hire them as spokesmen, they'll have a lot more money than the average Skinny McScrawny. However, the money merely goes to buying more junk for their trunk. Just imagine, someone roughly resembling the shape of an average person, riding a donkey with a baby grand strapped to its back. I'd pay to see that!

And finally, I think being called "MO" is sort of sweet. It's better than having someone call you "AL the ALCOHOLIC" or "CHRIS the CRA'KHED". Yes, I think I'd rather be called "MO the MUTANT ORANGUTAN" (because in all honesty, who really wants to be called morbidly obese? I'd rather be named Kato Kailin.)

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